I've talked about my transition multiple times before at different intervals of my life. I haven't thought about it recently, however, as an 18 year old on his way to college with almost a year on testosterone under his belt. I'm not misgendered anymore. I feel and look different for a bunch of different reasons and I'm excited to start living life in a way that finally makes me comfortable.
These changes were sort of what prompted my thought process. I was looking in the mirror earlier today and I noticed my broad shoulders and the muscles in my forearms and my hairy legs and I realized that all of that wasn't my end goal when I first realized I was trans and that all of it sort of happened without it being a big deal or a monumental occasion. Of course it was exciting and liberating, but I didn't feel like I needed to throw parades in the streets or shout on rooftops. I was just different. I grew. I changed. It felt natural and normal.
You see, when I was kid I was never a "tomboy" or even remotely masculine. I had long blond pigtails that I loved and I wore dresses and loved them and I experimented with make-up and loved it. I didn't feel like I was being pressured into doing these things, I just genuinely enjoyed them and still do! Women's clothes still don't make me uncomfortable. In fact, I find myself jealous of girls now because of how cute their clothes are. I aspire to eventually become a drag queen because I loved that part of my childhood. However, none of these things registered to me as a "female" thing. I didn't feel like a girl wearing make-up or dresses or what have you. I was just a kid that liked stuff.
This all could be attributed to the fact that I was homeschooled a lot of my childhood and because of that I was never really exposed to the roles that young girls had to play in society. I just made my Ken's kiss and went on with my life.
It was when I went to middle school (at 8th grade) and was forced to eat lunch and have recess with only girls and use the girl's restroom every day and do things like be a girlfriend (which was never appealing. Being with boys was VERY appealing but I've never liked boys in a straight way) that I finally started realizing that things weren't totally right.
I still struggle with the thought that gender is too separated and constricting, but now I feel less suffocated which is what matters.
My first boyfriend was this kid that I never actually ended up talking to or going on dates with. He was smaller than me, long blond hair and big lips and god I wanted to do very gay things to him. But alas it didn't work out because he wanted a girlfriend and I was just really bad at being that.
I was lucky enough in middle school to have really weird friends. One of which introduced me to drag and showed me her male persona and how she bound her chest and she was so damn cool. She kind of helped me pick off the constraints that I was putting on myself.
I feel like now's a good time to make something clear. As a queer person, I was somehow never bullied. It's really weird. I admitted to being "bisexual" (or something) in middle school and all I got was a weird look or two. No one pushed me around. No one called me a faggot. No one did anything. At most I was called weird. Which I knew I was so it wasn't really an insult. Even in high school as I started transitioning, everyone was supportive and wonderful.
The only reason I'm held back so much during this time is because it was hard for me to stop beating myself up so much. Essentially, I was my own bully.
I went to high school with two of the three friends I made in middle school. I, however, moved away from them quickly and made friends with upperclassmen who were some of the first people to really accept me and help me come out.
However, I didn't realize I was trans until I found this transgender photographer/model on deviantART and read all about him and how he identified and how you can still be feminine and be a boy. You can be FtM and still like boys. It was mindblowing.
Anyway, from this point on it's pretty boring. I come out, it takes about a year for everyone to get used to it. My mom and dad both accept me fully and help me start testosterone at about 17 and a half and get my name legally changed soon after. I go to a supportive counselor that helps me figure things out and weed people out of my life that keep me tied down. I date a few really amazing people (most of whom are also trans) who help me and support me and are lovely. I figure out my attraction to pretty much everyone and declare a tentative pansexuality. I graduate with my name displayed proudly above me, I get accepted into a college that recognizes my transgender identity and doesn't judge and gives me options (one of which is a "gender free" dorm which I SO CHOSE). It's been a steady uphill trek from where I started, which is saying a lot because I was never very far downhill.
My story is very unique. I was very lucky. The people in my life have been amazing and their support means a lot but it is also not the reaction everyone has.
Now I'm on my way to college, hopefully to build a career in... something. Make memories and shit. I'm at a place in my transition where I feel comfortable with my body, I'm happy with where I am in society. I have random realizations like this and every time it's the same. It's staggering, it's mindblowing. I never know how to explain it. I'm finally able to focus on who I am instead of what my gender is or who I'm attracted to. I can focus on what I want to do, where I want to be. That's the most important part, I think.
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